This is the third in a four-part series of posts based on an interview I conducted with the poet Hazel White, about the twenty-year process of writing her book Vigilance Is No Orchard, forthcoming from Nightboat Books. Scroll down for Parts 1 and 2.
Put the Relationship on the Page
In 2005, at California College of the Arts, the main feedback on my attempts to write about Isabelle and the garden was that my text lacked any sense of our relationship. I showed ten pages to the poet Leslie Scalapino. She hated it and spent an hour telling me in detail what was wrong with it. I agreed.
I joined a writing group and everyone said, We think you should put your relationship with Isabelle on the page.
Years later, when I had 60 pages written, I worked with the poet Rusty Morrison privately for a few sessions. She had a lot of critique. The title had the word shelter in it, but she wasn’t buying that the book was really about shelter. She thought that that word, that concept, was a safe placeholder. She said something about how the image of the garden “owned me and disowned me.” She encouraged me to take more risks with the whole manuscript.
I had thought it was almost done, so I was a bit shocked. And scared about taking those risks. I went to England. After a few months I gathered up the courage to read through all of Rusty’s written comments. Her observations felt completely right. But what she was suggesting—writing about what wasn’t sheltering me, of being lost over and over again in that image—seemed impossible. I realized that right from the beginning I’d clung to the topic of shelter because it was something I felt confident about and comfortable with. Rusty said, Take it out.
I needed to let everything go and write the messiness, make myself more lost!
I produced another version. I put everything I had into it. I met with Rusty again and this time she seemed to think I’d succeeded, or done well enough.
So I sent it out to poetry competitions. It was a finalist for both the Fence Books Ottoline Prize, chosen by Brenda Hillman, and the National Poetry Series. It seemed only a matter of time, I prayed, before it would be picked up by a publisher. I hoped I was done.
You’re a Good Egg—Happy Easter
Feeling more confident than I had in years, I sent the manuscript to Nightboat Books. The publisher, Stephen Motika, read it and said, I’m interested in your relationship with Isabelle and I don’t see it on the page.
I honestly didn’t think I could do anything more about it. I came to a grinding halt.
One day several months into my despair, I felt a different kind of energy—a little cocky, a little devil-may-care. I walked to the filing cabinet and took out a file overflowing with correspondence from Isabelle to me. Birthday cards, holiday cards, notes I had saved. With a kind of weird, wild boldness I thought, I’ll give them this relationship. Flipping through the file I started writing things like, “You’re a Good Egg—Happy Easter.”
I should mention that during these years I’d become a close friend of Isabelle’s, in spite of the fact that I’d failed to publish a book about her and the garden I was so obsessed with. She’d gotten married—in that same garden. I’d attended the wedding, even helped her dress for the ceremony. In my maniacal writing fit, I included details about how I helped her that day with her corset and shoes. I produced about eight pages of quotes and inserted them into the manuscript.
I sent it off to Stephen. I was just waiting for him to reject it.
Next Installment: Mountain Lion Footprints on the Deck
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August 2021
- Aug 31, 2021 The Heart Is the Major Target—Part 9: The Teacher Role Isn't My Essence Aug 31, 2021
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June 2021
- Jun 13, 2021 The Heart Is the Major Target—Part 8: Machines Spilling Out Teachers Jun 13, 2021
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April 2021
- Apr 14, 2021 The Heart Is the Major Target—Part 7: A Waterfall of Inspiration Apr 14, 2021
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February 2021
- Feb 14, 2021 The Heart Is the Major Target—Part 6: Grab the Right Computer File Feb 14, 2021
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December 2020
- Dec 26, 2020 The Heart Is the Major Target—Part 5: Yoga Is My Second Child Dec 26, 2020
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November 2020
- Nov 5, 2020 The Heart Is the Major Target—Part 4: Wow, This Is Me Nov 5, 2020
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October 2020
- Oct 4, 2020 The Heart Is the Major Target—Part 3: In Exile in My Own Country Oct 4, 2020
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August 2020
- Aug 23, 2020 The Heart Is the Major Target—Part 2: Openness to the Unseen Aug 23, 2020
- Aug 2, 2020 The Heart Is the Major Target—Part 1: Let's Move Around; We'll Feel Better Aug 2, 2020
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July 2020
- Jul 25, 2020 Educator Wellness Series Conclusion: Moving Forward with Wellness Jul 25, 2020
- Jul 6, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #10: Inhabiting the Dignified Stance of "Adequate" Jul 6, 2020
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June 2020
- Jun 17, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #9: Jun 17, 2020
- Jun 3, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #8: Reducing Stress Through Body Scanning Jun 3, 2020
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May 2020
- May 21, 2020 Facebook Live Event: A Conversation About the Impact of Saying Goodbye to Students May 21, 2020
- May 13, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #7: Setting Intention and Letting Go of Results May 13, 2020
- May 6, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #6: Practicing Goodwill as Self-Care May 6, 2020
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April 2020
- Apr 29, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #5: Dealing with Constant Change Apr 29, 2020
- Apr 22, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #4: Listening to Silence Apr 22, 2020
- Apr 21, 2020 Facebook Live Event: A Conversation About the Importance of Self-Care Apr 21, 2020
- Apr 15, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #3: Apr 15, 2020
- Apr 8, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #2: Engaging Wisely with News and Media Apr 8, 2020
- Apr 1, 2020 Educator Wellness Practice #1: Breathe ... Keep Breathing Apr 1, 2020
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March 2020
- Mar 25, 2020 Educator Wellness Series for Collaborative Classroom Mar 25, 2020
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May 2019
- May 19, 2019 Managing to Build Bridges - Part 8: Do We Want to Be Right in a Dictionary Sense? May 19, 2019
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April 2019
- Apr 27, 2019 Managing to Build Bridges - Part 7: You Just Need to Find a Good Husband Apr 27, 2019
- Apr 6, 2019 Managing to Build Bridges - Part 6: Human Remains and Cultural Artifacts Apr 6, 2019
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March 2019
- Mar 17, 2019 Managing to Build Bridges - Part 5: Poetry Has No Rules Mar 17, 2019
- Mar 3, 2019 Managing to Build Bridges - Part 4: Dessert Goes to a Different Stomach Mar 3, 2019
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January 2019
- Jan 13, 2019 Managing to Build Bridges - Part 3: I Felt Pretty Stupid Jan 13, 2019
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December 2018
- Dec 9, 2018 Managing to Build Bridges - Part 2: Such a Bad Kid Dec 9, 2018
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November 2018
- Nov 23, 2018 Managing to Build Bridges - Part 1: The Pressure to Be a Certain Type of Girl Nov 23, 2018
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October 2018
- Oct 23, 2018 Leadership Without Ego - Part 6: Mayberry with an Edge Oct 23, 2018
- Oct 1, 2018 Leadership Without Ego - Part 5: Everyone Everywhere Deserves to Make Art Oct 1, 2018
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September 2018
- Sep 10, 2018 Leadership Without Ego - Part 4: I'm About Ready to Swear Sep 10, 2018
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August 2018
- Aug 19, 2018 Leadership Without Ego - Part 3: The Dalai Lama Breaks All the Rules Aug 19, 2018
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July 2018
- Jul 29, 2018 Leadership Without Ego - Part 2: The Kids Melted Under That Praise Jul 29, 2018
- Jul 10, 2018 Leadership Without Ego - Part 1: The Workshop Was Neutral Territory Jul 10, 2018
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May 2018
- May 26, 2018 The Alchemy of Service - Part 5: Watch Out, Someone's Behind You May 26, 2018
- May 6, 2018 The Alchemy of Service - Part 4: Fireworks and Tears May 6, 2018
- May 5, 2018 The Alchemy of Service - Part 3: Joann Wong! You Are Chinese! May 5, 2018
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April 2018
- Apr 6, 2018 The Alchemy of Service - Part 2: Mom, It's Only a Nickel Apr 6, 2018
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March 2018
- Mar 19, 2018 The Alchemy of Service - Part 1: Mouse Soup Mar 19, 2018
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February 2018
- Feb 18, 2018 Back to the Garden - Part 4: Mountain Lion Footprints on the Deck Feb 18, 2018
- Feb 3, 2018 Back to the Garden - Part 3: "You're a Good Egg—Happy Easter" Feb 3, 2018
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January 2018
- Jan 15, 2018 Back to the Garden - Part 2: "A Pretty Big Failure" Jan 15, 2018
- Jan 1, 2018 Back to the Garden - Part 1: "Aesthetic Shock" Jan 1, 2018
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August 2017
- Aug 15, 2017 Goodbye Self-esteem, Hello Self-compassion – Part 3: Real Love Aug 15, 2017
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July 2017
- Jul 31, 2017 Goodbye Self-esteem, Hello Self-compassion – Part 2: Mirror, Mirror Jul 31, 2017
- Jul 17, 2017 Goodbye Self-esteem, Hello Self-compassion – Part 1: Bashing Vasco Jul 17, 2017
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May 2017
- May 28, 2017 This Thing I Found: Teens Teach Us How to See Freshly May 28, 2017
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March 2017
- Mar 20, 2017 Dream On - Part 6: Dream Analysis Example Mar 20, 2017
- Mar 7, 2017 Dream On - Part 5: A Dream Analysis Technique (cont.) Mar 7, 2017
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February 2017
- Feb 20, 2017 Dream On - Part 4: A Dream Analysis Technique Feb 20, 2017
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January 2017
- Jan 22, 2017 Dream On - Part 3: Recording Dreams Jan 22, 2017
- Jan 15, 2017 Dream On - Part 2: Dream Recall Jan 15, 2017
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December 2016
- Dec 30, 2016 Dream On – Part 1 Dec 30, 2016
- Dec 12, 2016 Enjoying the Ride of Serendipity Dec 12, 2016
- Dec 6, 2016 Agnes Martin: A Singular Career Dec 6, 2016